I think that my entire life has been spent trying to be, or impress someone else. Whether this is shown through my naturally submissive demeanor for which I have the Tokyo gene to blame, or the fact that we are all born inherently nice and wanting to live moderately conflict free; i've felt somewhat empty. Like when I laugh at a joke that isn't funny for the benefit of someone else..or when I agree to do something that I don't want to because it's easier than saying no. And if saying no is the only option, then sugarcoating the reason for my answer so as not to offend. It would be easier, straight up to say no and not apologize for myself, but it makes me feel awkward to do so.
And then you find yourself resenting...yourself.
I've always secretly at heart wanted to be one of those strong, self sufficient and grounded women who seem to be largely at peace with themselves, but i've always just wished that it would happen on it's own. You know what happens when you wish for something?
It's turning wishes into actions that gets you places. So, from now on i'm going to think a second before I volunteer time that I may not have to someone else, if it means sacrificing a piece of my sanity and self. I'll always be a nice girl, but sometimes I just want to say no and with conviction. Without apologies or fabricated excuses. I've realized through these 22.999 years that I look up to, and respect people who stand their ground and say what they mean. You know that their word holds strong and true (in most cases) and that is a respectable quality to have. Being a yes-girl, however, is not. This I know because I don't respect those who try too hard to impress and usually end up missing the mark by a long shot. Catch-22, isn't it? Try to be nice so people like you, and then end up being the doormat that people wipe their shit stained shoes on. Hmm. I'd rather stand up for myself, thanks.
Time to pick up that metaphorical leaf and turn that bitch over.
I need to get better and it's not happening when my life is spent making everyone else happy. But I sure as hell wishi could "have my cake and eat it too..."
Ha. Sick joke.