"I would have given my first and last breaths to have spent the first minutes of the decade with my parents despite our turbulent relationship. I love them more than I really should, given some of the things they've put me through. But then again, i think they love me more than they really should as well, considering the small hells i've put them through time and time again."
-Yuri Kimura, 2010
My first and last breaths of the decade and decade to come are going to be taken with these two humans tonight, and i wish more than anything that they weren't.
what the FUCK does this mean?
I was up all fucking night last year working and self loathing, in a dirty fucking motel room; alone. I was covered in booze and smoke and party and regret. I woke up wishing i could've been with my parents and eating soba noodles...now i wish to fall asleep, magically drift into the sleep of a million years like some fairy tale princess..
God fucking damn this blog is pointless.
I don't even care who reads this shit anymore. I don't care if it's loved or hated, i don't care if people develop opinions on my character soley based on the verbal vomit that i pour out on this page, what the hell. why not?
i've realized that it takes a somewhat selfish and self deprecatory person to write a blog. A blog doesn't make me famous. A blog doesn't recognize the fact that i've been through hell and not nearly close to coming back; it doesn't validate me. A blog doesn't justify even a fraction of the shit that i choose to write about. A blog doesn't earn me the right to be a self righteous, smarmy little girl.
For some it might.
For me, it doesn't.
I wonder if my words will ever be validated. There are amazing people who believe in me enough to want to publish my words. I'm a scared son of a bitch and keep putting off getting around to and submitting a final edit. Self-sabotage?
i need a key to unlock my wods, a key to take my emotions and turn them into something tangible; words on paper, words in print, words on a screen...
that key is ultimately something that makes me FEEL something strong enough to feel the urge to capture the moment, to make me reach for a pen and paper or jump on my phone or the nearest available computer and turn my speeding thoughts into a written form that someone else might be able to